I thought it would be fitting for the last post of 2015, to take you back a few months when the idea of what would become Letters to Corey struck me. In June of this year I was apart of an inter-school speech competition, that was the first time I eloquently put my thoughts together about disability and the importance of it in the mainstream, but it was at the event itself I realised the place my words had, in the world.
I was sitting in a room, all the people whom I was competing against were about two years my senior and all able bodied, one guy spent the entire waiting time, mouthing off and discussing himself and his capabilities to win, as he talked to everyone else in small doses, I sat they’re quietly observing him, trying to understand why he would act in such an arrogant way, the one time he did look at me; it was not in my eyes; rather he looked at my chair, maybe by some miracle he expected me to hop up and start jumping around. I could tell he dismissed me and for what ever reason, believed I could not be as good as him; that is when I thought of Letters to Corey; not as it is now, but what it could be.
I have maintained that 99% of the population do not judge me based on a singular physical trait and that is true, it has been proved to me time and time again; however for some reason that truth always faltered in comparison to the judgement I faced, the few times it did happen left a bigger impact than any positive action did. That is what was wrong, I decided then I wanted to create a place of positivity, a place where all ignorance was not overcome but used as drive for positivity. Because I am not in a place of constant belief in myself, ignorance does effect me still; but where this has taken me, what this has shown me is that we as humans are engrained to see our own faults because we have been dictated by an unachievable standard for far too long.
I do not believe in myself all the time, but when I do not I write; because maybe that kid, in my situation needs to know he deserves self belief, because if I can help them, I can believe that this unachievable standard; am I good enough, pretty enough, smart enough; will one day become non existent and we can create our own standards where acceptance and love is placed above all.
This guy in the 1%, is responsible for some of the best times in my life; because of him I ended up meeting one of the biggest inspirations for Letters to Corey; a person who proved my theory that idiots are in the smallest percentage of the population, this same person also witnessed me fall over on a train; yes that happened.
I have never met a person like this, for me I was so used to having to justify that I am like you it was a brand new experience for me to not have to, he was a person I was able to rely on and confide in and in talking to him, I felt normal. He modelled the light that is alive in the world which needs to be shared, excelled and strengthened. He still remains to this day one of the best people I know, even if I am totally mad because I got friend zoned. On the same day I fell over on said train he and another of my dearest friends helped me walk on this corrugated iron thing, which sounds really weird but it is the pictures in our manifesto, that is something I will always remember because I realised, then; that I had two people who literally had my back and the negative faded in comparison.
I wanted to create that same feeling for other people, I wanted them to feel like they were walking and someone had their back, I wanted them to know, I wanted you to know that you were never alone and that the negative, the ignorant falters on weakness and is built on insecurity.
Because you are strong enough and it is time we saw this, Letters to Corey is the internet manifestation of everything I felt in that singular moment, that moment is what I thought of every time I was in pain and wished I had him to talk to; because I knew he would say something that made it better, but our lives took us into different places. I couldn’t rely on others to be the positivity and solace I needed, rather I had to create that energy, that beauty inside my own self; and I work on that quest everyday, every time I speak a word, type a sentence it is in the name of the positivity, encouragement and solace I built and want to give to you. Because in the days when you don’t believe in yourself, I want you to know I believe in you. I want to give you the tools, to know that you are the master of your own creation; it is never a question of if you can, it is do you want to. Because you are able to do anything and I want to show you that, most of all in the times you do not believe that; I want you to read my words until your belief in the light of the world, in your own light; is renewed.
This was all sparked on the day, I fell over on a train and walked on a weird corrugated iron thing. I am sorry the story is not more profound. Oh but I did go to watch this person play basketball once, which resulted in me flinching every time the ball came near me; yeah I’m real smooth. (this is probably why I was friend zoned)
I wish this person was still in my life, because I wish he knew what he had a hand in creating; but if I have learned anything it is this; I wish lots of things worked out differently, I wish at times I was in a different place; but we must believe where we are at is for a reason, and everything that happened has become the sum which equalled Letters to Corey and maybe if things were different I wouldn’t be doing this now, and this is something I know I am suppose to be doing, I didn’t plan any of this, I didn’t think I’d have been in hospital, this year but I also never thought I would be surrounded by people like those in this story, even if only for a short time; on a train.
With love to the one who had my back since all those years ago, now the world knows about the train incident; and also that I was friend zoned could life get any better, I think not. Thank you Ciara.